matilda-'s Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- can you tell me how it ends? I'm told to give an answer. My answer is no. I'm asked what is it that I want. A friend. The friend I thought I had. It would be too hard to be around him when I'm trying so desperatly to let that part go. He didn't know how to be with me when I was sick. I would have done anything for him had he been the one. I'm not angry. Over and over again I say I'm not angry. I don't understand. Over and over I say I don't understand. Tonight I give him my answer. I'll be staying here in California. Words twisted. No, I didn't mean out of my life. I meant I didn't see myself married to him, with children. I want a baby, you see. He's right for me. Am I right for him? But twisted words. Once twisted, can they ever be undone? I couldn't make him understand me. It started with the slam of a door. It always starts small. Two of my sisters turtles ran a race. One carved of wood, the other crystal. Which could hit the wall first? A thousand splinters and bits of broken glass and a few small cuts on my hand. What next? A window? Or better yet, what of myself could I tear to pieces? I'd like to say it isn't me. It's an extension of me. A mutation. Cut it off and it sprouts back, bigger, better, and in half the time. Feeding off of anger, frustration, fear. It's not me. Oh but it is. I'm running out of people who understand. Understand me. And so I'll tuck myself into bed tonight. Read myself a little story. Once upon a time in the land of mousefairies and purple skies... 22:08 - Wednesday, Jun. 12, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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